The upheaval came after I read the chapter on humility and adherence to God's will. Humility means having a clear understanding ourselves; adherence to God's will means losing ourselves to let God live in us.
In reading this chapter, I recognized myself in M. Eugene Boylan's description of the proud man who has hope only in himself.
One of the reasons why men are so anxious to exalt themselves -- to overestimate their own value and their own powers -- to resent anything that would tend to lower themselves in their own esteem or that of others -- is because they see no hope for their happiness save in themselves. That is often why they are so "touchy," so resentful of criticism, so impatient of opposition, so insistent on getting their own way, so eager be known, so anxious for praise, so determined on ruling their surroundings. They clutch at themselves like drowning men clutch at a straw. And as life goes on, and they are still far from being satisfied, their attitude borders on the feverish and the hysterical; whatever they may have got, they are certainly far from having found peace....
Some men are quite adroit in turning the conversation to topics in which they can display their knowledge or ability. The patronizing person is generally a a proud person.... There are those who insist upon maintaining their own opinion, those who cannot let any slip pass without correcting it, those who are only too glad to correct others.... Contemptuous sarcasm and mordant wit often come from pride.
I didn't recognize myself in any part of his description of the humble man who lives for God.
The attitude of the man who has true Christian humility is just the opposite. His hope is placed in God; he sees no hope in himself. He has not to worry about getting his own way; all that matters is that God should get His way. He knows that the less he has to do with the arranging of things, the more likely it is that things will turn out for the best. He is by no means spineless or inert. On the contrary, let him but once be certain that God wills him to undertake a certain work, and he will tackle it, no matter what it may be, because he knows his sufficiency is from God....
The avoidance of all those manifestations of pride which we mentioned above would be sound forms of practical humility. To speak as little of one's own self or affairs as possible; to mind one's own business; to avoid curiosity; not to want to manage other people's affairs; to accept contradiction or correction; not to insist upon one's own opinion unless truth or justice require it, and then to do so moderately, but with courage; to pass over the mistakes of others, to cover them up; to yield to will of others, where neither duty nor charity nor genuine Christian principle is involved; to hide one's own ability or talents; to avoid ostentation; all such are works of humility that are within the power of all.
I've known for some time the extent of my my problem with pride... But this was basically just an intellectual surface knowledge. Reading this chapter was enough to bring it home in a real, concrete fashion.
The fact is that standing on my own, being self-sufficient, is close to the heart of my personality. Turning my gaze from myself to God amounts to a leap into the unknown, a jump off the cliff, an embrace of the abyss. It means turning myself inside out.
It means trusting God, allowing His Word to re-shape me. For the word of God is living and effectual, and more piercing than any two edged sword; and reaching unto the division of the soul and the spirit, of the joints also and the marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12) I pray for the Word of God to twist between my soul and spirit, to scour me and turn me to Him.
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