With my brothers

At the end of the Dead's first concert on this year's tour, Phil Lesh said how great he felt to still be playing music "with - my brothers." He'd meant to say something about such fine musicians but switched midstream to "my brothers".

The phrase resonates with me. First, it's what I want in my career. In my last post I talked how I wanted to see my current project through to completion, despite all its problems. Well, part of that is to keep working with my teammates, who are my brothers in some sense. Constantly jumping from company to company and project to project amounts to breaking the web of shared work and common obligation that defines work on a project. And there might be a little more to it. The urge to bail out of a project a year or two after I start is partly a wish to escape my dependence on others - a need to break away from the ties that bind me to my fellow workers.

Obviously projects end and people leave projects all the time and sometimes leaving a project is the only rational thing to do (especially after you become aware it has a Cloud of Doom). But looking back over the years my decisions probably have more to do with preserving my Glorious Independence than anything else.

I want to touch on a larger topic for a minute. The communion of saints also forms a band of brothers; the Church Militant here in the world, the Church Suffering in Purgatory, and the Church Triumphant in Heaven. The Christian leads a life of communion with this entire Church; with the living on earth, and with all those who sleep in Christ. Grave sin ends this brotherhood. Grave sin's essence amounts to preferring a temporal good more than you prefer God - choosing to decide for yourself what is good and bad for yourself. Sometimes the choice to sin amounts to a desire to live in splendid isolation - the ego's desire to be its own end, its own all-in-all, refusing to submit to God who is the only being worthy of our adoration. Grave sin amounts to turning your back on the brotherhood of Christians. Christ Himself is our brother and the Head of the Church.

In my experience, sometimes I'm most tempted to sin when I face challenges in my relationships - with my family, or my friends, or at work. Sin is a way to step away from the world, to turn at right angles to reality and escape into a place where my ego is all there is. Most likely this somehow started as an emotional survival mechanism... I don't really know how it started. But it has to stop! My ego is not all there is; reality is not something to flee from; relationships are valuable because they are challenging.

We are our relationships; my wife is who I am, and God Himself is relationship, Three in One. I want to live, not in splendid isolation, not in glorious independence, but with - my brothers.